Monday, October 20, 2008

Thoughts on My Son

This blog will appear disjointed to many, simply thats because it is. I have written this over several weeks so many thoughts may have already been covered and I refuse to delete anything.

I still don't know where I stand in all of this, in fact I am hoping that by allowing my fingers to type perhaps something may come out. I have reserved my feelings throughout all of this pregnancy because deep down there just wasn't anything I wanted more than a son. I love my daughters and they are each special in their own way, but I wanted a son. I refused to let my wife wear pink and every night we went through a ritual of rubbing a little baseball outfit on her stomach as if it would help in some way. No I don't believe in superstition it was just a funny cutesy togetherness that my wife and I did. Everyone always suspected that he was a boy and most often "it" was referred to as "he".
On Tuesday night October 14th my wife called to tell me she was bleeding, I told her to go ahead and call the doctor and I was headed home. When I got there she was calmer but something still didn't seem right in her mind so she called my mom who I think calmed her down enough for her to grab a little sleep. I didn't know what to expect and other than my normal sleeplessness had a decent night.
On Wednesday I dropped Chrissy off at the doctors office for her routine appointment and started running errands, we were still planning on going out of town. I came home briefly to check an email for a phone number and while I was sitting at the computer she called me unable to speak crying so hard she seemed she couldn't breath, the doctor had to take the phone and in tears told me that my child was dead. Even then I had no fear, in fact as I went to the hospital I quoted scriptures about the promises of God and claimed life for my unborn baby. I even swore to myself that she would not take any medicine that could kill the baby. As soon as I arrived they started spelling out the options that we had, one of which was the DNC and the other was actual delivery. For several reasons we chose not to go with the DNC. It seemed to me at the time to give no chance for survival in case we were wrong and in Chrissy's mind she wanted to see it. So they gave her meds that started contractions and scheduled a delivery for 7am the next morning.
Needless to say Wednesday night neither of us could sleep, Chrissy went through times of crying while I sat there numb. I honestly felt a loss but didn't know what I had lost as honestly at that point in the pregnancy the guy doesn't get the connection with the child like the woman does. I was scared because I thought there might have been times where I didn't do enough for Chrissy, she was always wanting me to carry her bags and at times I jokingly refused. At this point I was having doubts about our calling and the ability to go on, in fact I had an email from the Chaplain recruiter that same day to whom I almost replied "just go away". By 3am I was struggling spiritually and didn't even realize it. 5am was the last time I saw the clock and as I feel asleep I think God prepared me for what was coming.
Chrissy had decided that this child needed a name, to which I was against at first. My mom told me to let her know if we would have a funeral, which confused me more...why would we have a funeral. My grief was still locked away and truthfully I wasn't letting it out for something as simple as this. Having seen so many people go through miscarriages and stillbirths I knew it was real but I was going to handle it the way I always have, internally. I'm sure many people saw that I was not in control, in fact my adviser noticed it within seconds of walking in, coherent sentences weren't my friend and as I said I was numb. So all this was on my mind and in my dream God came to me. He assured me that everything was in his hand and that he was full of grace. He told me that what I had lost would be rewarded two fold (yeah I warned Chrissy that twin boys were in our future lol) At that point I knew that my son, yes I knew at that point I had a son who was now dead, would have a name and that name would be Mishael Hananiah and that little boy would forever be a part of our lives.
We do feel that this was a direct attack against us by Satan. Unlike a lot of people who just give him credit for things, we feel in this case that it was a final attack in a long stream of attacks that started back when my wife and I first fully accepted the call to the chaplaincy and a pastorship. At first it was minor things like constant arguements between my wife and I. I once asked her have you noticed a change in us since accepting this call? Of course after putting a face to it things changed so the attacks came from elsewhere. Each one we closed the gap on through pray and every challenge taught us something new. I remember when I first started calling people about the conception, one of our trusted advisors Chaplain Egert asked me if it changed anything as far as our goals to go back in to which I answered no way, nothing is going to change my mind short of God. Little did I know that at 17 weeks I would have severe doubts about going any further. Weeks before the presidential election I remember praying God I have given up so much of my family already why should I go into the army under a president who doesn't care a bit about you? And still I hear him calling me further into him. What may have been intended for evil actually backfired because unlike a large amount of couples who go through this, we got closer. There are days where we just lay there and hold each other without a word passing between us, a lot of times I am praying for my wife because I have nothing to say and I know God does. There are times when we talk until all hours of the night and often our conversation returns to our future as a pastor and wife team. Often these conversations start with a thought of MH, but usually they just start. Pastor Moody on the day of the birth warned us againest becoming seperated in our grief. It just confirmed that we were still in a fight. I have never been so grief striken as I have been for the last few weeks, now almost a month. But I also feel so much closer to my God and my wife. I was close to both, in fact there have been many times in our relationship that we have had conversations until 3 in the morning or just held each other without words, but since this most recent trial we have decided to follow our destiny to the end no matter what hand in hand

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Catch-up

I have let my blogging slide again, although I have thought of lots of things to blog about over the last few weeks. The problem, besides time of course comes from not wanting to inflame those who disagree with my points concerning the current political situation. For those of you on my face book you know by now that I have likened Obama not to the anti-Christ as many Christians have recently, but to Hitler. Now Hitler of course had actual leadership and he was at least honest in his goals unlike Obama who has neither leadership or goals. I don't mind people having a difference of opinion from me, but those who continue to insist that his leadership qualities are vast really tend to make me want to give them a little wall to wall counseling ;)..... Seriously even Palin has more experience in that department and I'm not much of a fan of hers either(McCain does have my vote). In a recent Army Times article McCain held over 67% of the military vote. Yeah I wonder why...hmmmm... perhaps its because they understand leadership! I think most civilians really need to ask themselves what leadership is, especially those who have business leadership or whatever leadership degrees and still insist that Obama has that trait. He couldn't be further from the truth in fact I would go as far as saying he is the unleader.
On to other topics before I really do get mad lol
These last few weeks have been rushed to the extreme. Chrissy of course is taking her first semester back in school in stride other than thinking she needs to study all the time. Ainsley loves kindergarten, I think she misses some part of her old life though ;). I am under a full 17 hr load with 3 labs. Of course that wasn't enough work for me so I also played the role of Tech Director for the Ocoee Players production of Cotton Patch Gospel and I am trying to learn guitar in addition to getting more involved with South Cleveland Church of God as I continue the process towards Chaplaincy. Yeah its been really busy lol.
Through it all though God reveals himself to be a God that is in control. The scary thing here recently has been the seeming loss of who God is by most of the church. In a recent discussion a certain type of church came up which doesn't have one religion under its roof, in fact you can even be atheist and attend. I don't mean this a church who welcomes all sinners I mean there are no sinners all under one roof. It is the same thing as Oprah has recently endorsed in that you don't have to accept Christ as the only way to heaven but that there are several ways into heaven. I made the statement that there is only one way into heaven and that in my mind anyone who believed otherwise was not a Christian. I tend to look at things different than most I know, for one I believe in religious freedom, however I also believe that anything counter to the Holy Bible is false and won't get you anywhere other than hell or whatever you want to call it. I also believe that one who is struggling with sin no matter the sin is in better shape than the one who has fallen into sin and continues to dwell there which means that one who struggles with homosexuality but continues to pray for help from God, doesn't fall into sin is in way better shape than the one who thinks porn every now and then is OK. God didn't make one to be gay anymore than he made one to be a whore or to cheat on their spouse. These things all seem easy to me but in a recent conversation with a fellow Lee student the concept seems hard to grasp for many. Perhaps we can place the blame on the church who felt it was more important to discuss why we are Catholic, Baptist, Pentecostal, Episcopalian and all the other denominations out there instead of what it means to be Christian. Of course that most likely was considered bad business by many mega churches and so they did away with the basics ans skipped to the good stuff like cookies and milk after every service. No there is nothing wrong with cookies and milk, in fact I am big on Churches being a servant group and the first/last appearances are the most important, but how about some Christ in the christian service first, besides what chapel service would be complete without cookies and milk as there are times that those cookies are the only sweet some fat recruit like I was would get for the entire week not that I partook ;)...I think that honestly we as Christians forgot how good God was and actually thought we needed to sell his services like some sort of department store. The church grows the most when the truth is presented in a way that can't be avoided. Now I would be wrong to end this rant without any way for someone to go further so here is the Prayer of Salvation. The truth of it all is that God so loved the world that he gave his only son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. The story doesn't end there. He was rose again three days later, and now sits in heaven with God. Anyone who ask him forgiveness and leaves his sinful ways is accepted into the kingdom of God.