Thoughts on My Son

This blog will appear disjointed to many, simply thats because it is. I have written this over several weeks so many thoughts may have already been covered and I refuse to delete anything.

I still don't know where I stand in all of this, in fact I am hoping that by allowing my fingers to type perhaps something may come out. I have reserved my feelings throughout all of this pregnancy because deep down there just wasn't anything I wanted more than a son. I love my daughters and they are each special in their own way, but I wanted a son. I refused to let my wife wear pink and every night we went through a ritual of rubbing a little baseball outfit on her stomach as if it would help in some way. No I don't believe in superstition it was just a funny cutesy togetherness that my wife and I did. Everyone always suspected that he was a boy and most often "it" was referred to as "he".
On Tuesday night October 14th my wife called to tell me she was bleeding, I told her to go ahead and call the doctor and I was headed home. When I got there she was calmer but something still didn't seem right in her mind so she called my mom who I think calmed her down enough for her to grab a little sleep. I didn't know what to expect and other than my normal sleeplessness had a decent night.
On Wednesday I dropped Chrissy off at the doctors office for her routine appointment and started running errands, we were still planning on going out of town. I came home briefly to check an email for a phone number and while I was sitting at the computer she called me unable to speak crying so hard she seemed she couldn't breath, the doctor had to take the phone and in tears told me that my child was dead. Even then I had no fear, in fact as I went to the hospital I quoted scriptures about the promises of God and claimed life for my unborn baby. I even swore to myself that she would not take any medicine that could kill the baby. As soon as I arrived they started spelling out the options that we had, one of which was the DNC and the other was actual delivery. For several reasons we chose not to go with the DNC. It seemed to me at the time to give no chance for survival in case we were wrong and in Chrissy's mind she wanted to see it. So they gave her meds that started contractions and scheduled a delivery for 7am the next morning.
Needless to say Wednesday night neither of us could sleep, Chrissy went through times of crying while I sat there numb. I honestly felt a loss but didn't know what I had lost as honestly at that point in the pregnancy the guy doesn't get the connection with the child like the woman does. I was scared because I thought there might have been times where I didn't do enough for Chrissy, she was always wanting me to carry her bags and at times I jokingly refused. At this point I was having doubts about our calling and the ability to go on, in fact I had an email from the Chaplain recruiter that same day to whom I almost replied "just go away". By 3am I was struggling spiritually and didn't even realize it. 5am was the last time I saw the clock and as I feel asleep I think God prepared me for what was coming.
Chrissy had decided that this child needed a name, to which I was against at first. My mom told me to let her know if we would have a funeral, which confused me more...why would we have a funeral. My grief was still locked away and truthfully I wasn't letting it out for something as simple as this. Having seen so many people go through miscarriages and stillbirths I knew it was real but I was going to handle it the way I always have, internally. I'm sure many people saw that I was not in control, in fact my adviser noticed it within seconds of walking in, coherent sentences weren't my friend and as I said I was numb. So all this was on my mind and in my dream God came to me. He assured me that everything was in his hand and that he was full of grace. He told me that what I had lost would be rewarded two fold (yeah I warned Chrissy that twin boys were in our future lol) At that point I knew that my son, yes I knew at that point I had a son who was now dead, would have a name and that name would be Mishael Hananiah and that little boy would forever be a part of our lives.
We do feel that this was a direct attack against us by Satan. Unlike a lot of people who just give him credit for things, we feel in this case that it was a final attack in a long stream of attacks that started back when my wife and I first fully accepted the call to the chaplaincy and a pastorship. At first it was minor things like constant arguements between my wife and I. I once asked her have you noticed a change in us since accepting this call? Of course after putting a face to it things changed so the attacks came from elsewhere. Each one we closed the gap on through pray and every challenge taught us something new. I remember when I first started calling people about the conception, one of our trusted advisors Chaplain Egert asked me if it changed anything as far as our goals to go back in to which I answered no way, nothing is going to change my mind short of God. Little did I know that at 17 weeks I would have severe doubts about going any further. Weeks before the presidential election I remember praying God I have given up so much of my family already why should I go into the army under a president who doesn't care a bit about you? And still I hear him calling me further into him. What may have been intended for evil actually backfired because unlike a large amount of couples who go through this, we got closer. There are days where we just lay there and hold each other without a word passing between us, a lot of times I am praying for my wife because I have nothing to say and I know God does. There are times when we talk until all hours of the night and often our conversation returns to our future as a pastor and wife team. Often these conversations start with a thought of MH, but usually they just start. Pastor Moody on the day of the birth warned us againest becoming seperated in our grief. It just confirmed that we were still in a fight. I have never been so grief striken as I have been for the last few weeks, now almost a month. But I also feel so much closer to my God and my wife. I was close to both, in fact there have been many times in our relationship that we have had conversations until 3 in the morning or just held each other without words, but since this most recent trial we have decided to follow our destiny to the end no matter what hand in hand